There is a sausage patty on the kitchen ceiling.

I have no choice but to tell you about the lunacy that I am surrounded by.  I recently found out that at the core of my creation, I must write.  I have to.  I gave up Facebook for Lent.  The tidbits that I love to share about the craziness that goes on under this roof must have been just enough to get me by.  Once I gave up Facebook, the floodgates opened.  I wrote a novel.  Really.  A Novel.  An agent told me I had to blog.  I was anti-blog.  I read them, but I thought if I wrote one you would think I was arrogantly stating that I have information you must hear.  Arrogance is my least favorite human quality.  B.O. and spitting when you talk come in like 8th or 9th, behind arrogance.  I also don’t like when people squeeze the back of my arm.  It makes me feel excessively chubby.  Please, just don’t do that.  I researched effective blogging and found this:

81% of online readers trust blogs.

61% make purchases based on blogger recommendations

63% of consumers are influenced to purchase by bloggers

86% of influential people online are bloggers.

( credit stats, also… great site)

So, my Facebook post this morning read:

Luke: “Mom we accidentally ate a lot of sausage. Like A LOT. Like all of it”
Me: You ate it all?
Luke: Yes. It was an accident.

Accidental Sausage ingestion, haven’t heard that one in a while.

So, at this moment, there isn’t any breakfast meat on the ceiling.  We are actually out of sausage.  But,  if you know my family, you know there was sausage on the kitchen ceiling at one time. And! there is always potential for sausage on the kitchen ceiling again.

I have learned that the title draws in  the readers.  And you want readers, without limits, to read your blog.  So, if I had used the title I wanted to use; “What’s in your dog food?”  And you don’t have a dog, you may not have read this.  Right?  But!  Now that you are reading it….  Can I just say…

As much as I care about the well being of “Bosco and Lola’s”, I don’t really care if they eat “corn gluten bi-product.”

Since 81% of you trust me, because I was able to create this blog, by entering my e-mail address, so I would like  to recommend, you don’t care either.

61% of you will accept my recommendation to not care either.  Given the opportunity, my dogs will drink out of the toilet.

They will basically eat anything.

63% of you will be influenced by these statements so I will use my platform wisely.  When I say my dogs will basically eat anything, that doesn’t include blueberries, acai berries,  broccoli, spinach, carrots or peas.  Because they are dogs.  Dogs are carnivores.  If Bosco, a (Rat-Terrier, Pekingese, Basset Hound,) were released into the wild, assuming he lived more that 3 hours, he would not scavenge for berries and kale. But if he found a bowl of corn gluten and it smelled bad and looked gross; he would totally eat it, roll in it, barf it up, and eat a little more.  There is no natural diet for a labradoodle.  I think labradoodles are awesome, my neighbor has the best one ever, (Hi Polly! she’s a loyal reader), but because they don’t occur naturally in the wild,  I propose they don’t require acai berries in their diet to survive. I think I will invent a dog food that is exclusively corn gluten bi-product.  I think you should buy it.

If I have influenced you to see the absurdness of reading the label on your dog’s food; I am among the 86% of bloggers that is influential.  If your dog has food allergies or you have witnessed a Labradoodle grazing on acai berries in the wild, you may count me among the 14% of non-influential bloggers.

But you still read it…  And if you giggled, share and subscribe.  Certainly it will only get better.


About jamiamerine

I am a wife, mom, & seeker of joy! I love to share funny and inspirational tales with my fellow moms. I fully believe that God intended laughter to be a form of rest and worship. I have a few kids. I have a few years on me. I have a great husband. And I love to laugh. I studied home economics in college, I can cook just about anything, but do not ask me to sew. In my graduate work I studied education and human development, I consider my life continuing education, my children are my ongoing thesis. If they survive that, I will let you know! I write non-fiction for laughter, respite, and inspiration. I also am in the process of submitting my first fiction mystery and have two more in the works! Mom life is hard work. My prayer for my readers is that, even if it you just have five minutes, you can be inspired and encouraged today. Keep it short and sweet... rest in Jesus girlfriend.
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