Welcome! And Happy October to you! This is day ONE of a fun little challenge I entered, and I had the hardest time deciding what I could blog about 31 times. I prayed and studied and went through some old posts… and then it hit me. The snarkiest stuff in my life is born of stuff people say that makes me go…”WHAT?!?!!” So, I can’t promise it will be life changing. Hopefully, you’ll laugh, please don’t cry. I have a few that will make you crazy mad or make you go… Oops, “I said that once, and I will never do it again!”
Let’s do this.
“When are you due?”
Let’s talk about pregnancy. We know how this happens, if you don’t please stop reading this and find yourself another blog, and we know how pregnancy resolves itself. These two subjects, which if they were not related to a baby, we wouldn’t discuss in mixed company, to an utter stranger, or acquaintance:
- Something’s emerging from your nether regions.
So, I wouldn’t:
- Ask you when you last had sex.
- Ask you the last time you moved your bowels.
I could stop here, but I feel I truly must convey this point: It is never a good idea to ask a woman when she is “due.” We all love babies unless you were up all night with one, so the idea of new human life is exciting. It is thrilling enough to the expectant mother; SHE WILL TELL YOU. And if she’s not pregnant is it worth it to you to go down this rabbit trail of humiliating yourself and the not expecting mother? No. It is not.
There is the blanket issue of body type. A woman’s body is a mystery. She can’t be completely cognitive of whether she’ll be a size six during one phase of the month or a size 22 at another. This phenomenon is hard enough, and frankly, none of your business. From this standpoint how would you feel if someone came up to you and said “Are you gassy? You look gassy?”
You would not like this. It would be embarrassing.
It is also embarrassing to just be called fat. If I came up to you and said “Wow. You look like you have put on 20, er… uh, 50 pounds. Whatcha’ been eatin’?” This would make you feel sad. So if you falsely accuse someone of :
- Having Sex.
- Needing to expel something from their nether regions.
You are in essence saying: “You look large enough that I have been lead to believe you:”
- Engaged in sex.
- Need to expel something from your nether regions.
- Are fat.
None of these things are appropriate to ask someone.
Now then, since I have your attention, let’s take this one step further and discuss the belly pat.
Just don’t. Keep your hands to yourself. Even if it is a baby in there, it is still the mother’s flesh. Would you walk up and start rubbing a woman’s boob and proceed to talk baby-talk to it? If the answer is yes, go to a different blog. I submit you would not go up to a woman start rubbing her boob and proceed to talk baby-talk to it. I am pro-life, I do believe if you are pregnant that there is a human life residing in your womb. You, Ms. belly-rubber, may speak and touch the child when it is expelled from the nether regions, until then NO TOUCHY. And might I reiterate that if you make the foolish mistake of rubbing a non-pregnant woman’s belly she could press criminal charges. The occupancy of her womb should in no way validate you to rub any part of her. Clear?
So, I am going to give you an easy formula for knowing when it is okay to ask a woman if she is pregnant or when she is due:
IF YOU ARE DELIVERING THE HEAD OF A CHILD EMERGING FROM THE MOTHER’S BODY IN AN EMERGENCY AT A PARK, BANK, MALL, WALMART, TARGET, ELEVATOR, ANY FRANCHISE RESTURANT, OR STARBUCKS.
It is safe to ask.
Now then, if you are still stumped, you need help I can’t give you. If you are wondering when I am going to tie this into an inspirational Jesus plug? Don’t think I won’t. He was a gentleman; except for that awkward spitting on that guy’s eyes. He listened to His mother and did as she asked. He was exponentially kind to that poor woman that had her period forever. This leads me to believe He was compassionate to the ebbs and flows of a woman’s cycle and was understanding of the changes her body goes through at any given time of the month. He never asked inappropriate questions, and I am confident He was not a belly patter. And, I even found a scripture to go along with this particular topic:
“If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom.” Job 13:5
May your floors be sticky and your calling ordained! See you tomorrow! Jami
What I am reading: