31 Days Stuff I Wish You’d Quit Saying: Day 6 “When will you have children?”

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When will you have children?

I think as a general rule we should answer this question with this statement: “Stay out of my womb.”

You may be getting tired of me saying this, but it’s my blog and you’re not the boss of me so, I am going to say it:

Your identity is in Christ.  Not your children, or lack there of.  But I wanted to speak to you first, both women who wish to be mommas and women who do not feel that motherhood is their calling.  Print this out as your hall pass:

STAY OUT OF MY WOMB! 

Stay out of my sex life.  Stay out of my marriage.  Stay out of my womb.

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Now that you have the hall pass lets talk about why.  If you’ll recall on Day 1 of Stuff to Stop Saying we talked about how personal it is to ask some questions.  We naturally assume that young couples want to conceive.  Many do, many do not. God’s calling on each of our lives is SPECIFIC to us.  How amazing is that?  Of all the billions of people in the world – He dwells in us, calls us out to do good works, as His hands and feet.  And if He who is in you has not called you to be a mommy – that is between you and God.  You owe no one an explanation.

God will meet you where you are – seek Him.  And to the rest of the world – stay out of my womb.  

And if you do want to be a mom?  If you are struggling to conceive or have conceived and miscarried, having to explain this to pedestrians that ask, “When will you have children?” is like toothpicks under your fingernails.  I feel certain that if you are reading this you would never intentionally hurt someone – so stop asking, “When will you have children?”  Stay out of her womb.

I  had an unusual experience.  I miscarried one twin and carried the other to term.  Agony and ecstasy.  And I remember that the miscarried baby was disregarded by my general community.  “Thank God you didn’t really miscarry…”

Um, yeah I did?

 Or “At least it was early.”

 Um, no, I was pregnant with two humans.  One of them is gone.  And we wanted that human to be a part of our lives.

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These statements, although it wasn’t the intention, wounded me.  I feel strongly this is why we should let the life-giver do the talking.  It is unfair to her to assume she feels her loss the way you are wording it.  Another scenario I can remember was my friend,  Abby, every time she became pregnant she miscarried in the 5th or 6th month.  It was terrible.  And people would inquire, “When will you try again?”

What?

Abby wasn’t trying out for the Olympics?   She was growing a human being!  She didn’t miss the mark, she wasn’t too slow, and she didn’t stumble at the finish line.  She lost her child.  She is a life-giver.  

So for those of you that are listening, let’s just stop asking this question.

And in all fairness friends, if you are trying to conceive, let’s stop saying, “We are trying really hard to get pregnant.”  Cause we just pictured that, and that’s not good for anyone.

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All this to be said, I hope you have a lovely day!  Speak good things.

“My mouth will speak words of wisdom; the meditation of my heart will give you understanding.” Psalm 49:3

May your floors be sticky and your calling ordained.  Love, Jami

This post is dedicated to my sisters in Christ, Carrie and  Lauren.  The Lord knows the desires of your heart.  You are in my prayers.  May your cups  runneth over.

About jamiamerine

I am a wife, mom, & seeker of joy! I love to share funny and inspirational tales with my fellow moms. I fully believe that God intended laughter to be a form of rest and worship. I have a few kids. I have a few years on me. I have a great husband. And I love to laugh. I studied home economics in college, I can cook just about anything, but do not ask me to sew. In my graduate work I studied education and human development, I consider my life continuing education, my children are my ongoing thesis. If they survive that, I will let you know! I write non-fiction for laughter, respite, and inspiration. I also am in the process of submitting my first fiction mystery and have two more in the works! Mom life is hard work. My prayer for my readers is that, even if it you just have five minutes, you can be inspired and encouraged today. Keep it short and sweet... rest in Jesus girlfriend.
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20 Responses to 31 Days Stuff I Wish You’d Quit Saying: Day 6 “When will you have children?”

  1. Teresa says:

    Honest and heartfelt advice! Thank you for your wonderful words of wisdom. I wish everyone could hear this. I’m going to share on my FB page right now💕

    Like

  2. Mom says:

    Oh, Guilty as charged!!! Not daily! Not regularly! But,
    Sadly, with my friend Jan, years ago! Only much later did
    I learn they were struggling to have a family! I hope, over
    the years I have developed a lighter touch and if someone
    has a “womb with a view”they will let me know!

    Like

  3. Rachel says:

    Again..your words come at the right time. We are foster parents but have no children of our own and we get asked this daily–are you going to adopt, have your own kids, can you have your own kids, etc. This is a constant question from those we know and from complete strangers. Right now, God has 2 little girls with us. We just take it one day at a time. Usually I feel obligated to answer–thanks for saying, “stay out of it!”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Britney says:

    Just found your blog and this post is icing on the cake! I wholeheartedly despise this question (unless its from my 90 year old grandma 🙂 ) Such refreshing words, thank you!

    Like

  5. Betsy says:

    Thanks for sharing. I too miscarried a twin, but carried the other to term. It seems as if people want you to be happy that you “still have one.” But over 15 years later I still wonder about and grieve for the one I have yet to meet. Sometimes people are just nosy, but often they simply want to be comforting or helpful. But we are fallible and usually mess it up. Give us wisdom, Jesus!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Merrick says:

    Perfection. We have been praying for God’s perfect timing to bless us with an expanded family for almost 4 years. It’s hard when you know they mean well when they have been praying for us for years and say, “We are waiting for some news!” So I have learned to say, “Thank you. We are, too. Keep praying!” Instead of, “SHUT UP! Stop talking about my defective ovaries!”

    Like

  7. martymayes says:

    My best friend gave birth to quints. 4 of them are not s few days from 11. One passed away at 6 1/2 months. The things she had to endure being said gave me nightmares. “Well you have 4 others to keep you busy!” “It just wasn’t God’s will.” It’s a good thing he passed.” You probably wouldn’t have been able to take care of him.” All of these things were being said by moderately intelligentsia people who loved her. This made me reevaluate everything I’d ever said to someone who had lost a love one. Don’t get started on the crazy things she heard when she took them out in public! “Are they real?” “Are they 2 sets of twins?” “Who is you ob/gym? I want to make sure I never use him!” 😣

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  8. Linda H. says:

    Thank you for this post. As a woman married for 3 years, desiring children, and just recently finding out we cannot have any, it has been terribly hard to answer politely when asked when we will have children. The hardest part is that we have miscarried several times (& it’s likely it will still happen) & many people just don’t know what to say or how to handle it. We often get asked if we’ll adopt or foster or fo some other route to have kids. We don’t know right now! We’re still trying to process the fact that we can’t have kids of our own! Please don’t tell us “it will be ok” or “guess it wasn’t meant to be” or “well, adoption worked great for us” or “you should foster – we did and don’t regret it”! Every person & family is different & we don’t know yet what our family will look like in God’s providence, but it will be in God’s timing, God’s way & God’s guidance that will make our family what it will be. In the meantime, please don’t try to figure that out for us!

    Like

    • jamiamerine says:

      Dear Linda, I claim for you wisdom in Jesus Christ name. Wisdom for eloquent ways to continue to express yourself, as you did in this post. I pray that you have an increase in peace as you process this news. And I praise God for His providence in guiding you and your husband to your children. I believe that He will make you parents and He will decide exactly how and when.. I know He has an epic plan. Blessings.

      Like

  9. JoannaH says:

    I am so thankful to the Lord that I have never had to go through the loss of my own child, but I never got to meet the first baby that made me an aunt, and my very best friends second baby. I still think of those babies often and love them oh so much. I am so sorry for your loss. No matter how long or short ago it was, it was still a loss. God bless you and bring you comfort. He has used your loss, talent in words, and sense of humor to help others learn. Thank you!

    Like

  10. Tracey says:

    My heart’s desire is to have a baby….to experience pregnancy and everything that comes with it. Unfortunately, that won’t happen for me. I grieve this loss. I’ve found myself angry with God over this because it seems so unfair. I feel like someone is missing but I just don’t know who yet. My husband and I have decided to grow our family by adopting through foster care. We plan to fill out the paperwork early next year. I’m very scared of getting attached to children and then having to say goodbye. I pray God will fulfill my dream of being a mama. My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a child or who is dealing with infertility.

    Like

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