31 Days of Stuff I Wish You’d Stop Saying; Day 8 “We’ve been up all night vomiting…”

“We’ve been up all night vomiting…”

I have been up all night… vomiting.

I address vomit in my manuscript.  Two to three chapters are dedicated to my contempt for the stomach bug, and I know I am supposed to save a lot of my material for the book, but oh well. The first publisher I met with asked me who my target audience was.  I said, “Moms who hate the stomach bug.”

They were not interested in my work.  And that’s fine. I know it seems like there’s not a market for books categorized under vomit-haters. But, I can plead my case from my death bed. We have been exposed.

Lock-down.  Code red.  Bravo-Alpha-Romeo-Foxtrot… BARF.

My reaction to word of a stomach bug is something you might picture from a war-time movie.  A soldier delivers the telegram to the family… screaming, crying, gnashing of teeth.  This is how I behaved when Mother’s Day Out called me Monday with word that Sam had thrown up. The poor woman on the other end tried to console me.  I think the next time she calls she will make sure that I have someone with me before she delivers the news.  There must be a more humane way of telling someone everything they hold dear, every last thread of organization and peace will be flushed down the toilet, or spewed onto clean sheets.

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As I lie here now, my life is collapsing outside the bedroom threshold.  My dear husband is a wonder.  He can bring home the bacon, change diapers, feed humans, you name it, Justin’s got it.  But it isn’t the same.

Men don’t see things that women see.  The babies keep breaking into my room.  They get in trouble, but they keep trying.  I hear a teen say, “You can’t go back in there!  Mom is dying!”  I am too sick to get up and thump that teen in the head.  Besides, maybe I am dying.  Maybe they should be forewarned.

Laundry is piling up.  Babies are crying.  My head is pounding.  Nausea is my companion.

And I blame you.

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You know who you are.  Average size family.  One or two of you threw up all night, but you had places to be, people to see.  You limp into the church potluck, looking less than lovely.  Your skin is gray, sweaty brow, and your eyes glazed over.  You put your macaroni salad down on the crisp white table clothed folding table.  Your kids bring in plates of warm slice-and-bake cookies – don’t pretend, I know you didn’t make them.  And I ask if you are ok.  And you say, “Oh my gosh, my husband and the boys threw up all night!  They were so sick!  But, the girls were so excited about the potluck, and of course, I had to sing in the choir and teach Sunday school.  Hopefully, we will get to rest this afternoon, I am feeling kind of queasy.”

My initial instinct is to beat you with Mrs. Holwietz’s monkey bread.

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If I was a confrontational person I would punch you in the throat and drag you out by your hair.

But instead – I bolt.

You heard me.  I grab my children, our jackets, to heck with the casserole I made.  It’s been contaminated.  It is probably too late, but I have to try.  I have to save my family.  I whistle, giving Justin the warning – this is not a drill. His jaw tenses, he scans the room, ignoring  the conversation in which he’d been involved: Code Red. He doesn’t bother to excuse himself, he scurries sideways, eyes darting about the gymnasium.   He form tackles a toddler and grabs the diaper bag.  Two of the teens recognize the war cry.  They stop, drop, and crawl through the crowd on their bellies.  They are well trained. The clock is running, the spores of airborne pathogens are looking for a place to breed.

Dear God, not in our mucous membranes, please.  As our 12 passenger van screeches out of the church parking lot. I see one of our children chasing after the van.  I yell at Justin, “Just go, go, go!”  We have other children.  Survival of the fittest.

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The spores won.

 It was too late for us.  Day 4 I succumbed.  From my death bed, I grapple with my love of the Lord and my negative feelings for you.  So I will use the last of my energy to send out this plea.

You should NEVER be out in public and say:
“We’ve been up all night vomiting.”

You may text that.  You may email that.  You may say it over the phone. Send it by tracking pigeon if you must, but you needn’t utter it in person. Stay home.  You are not needed that badly.  The world will not stop without you.  Dare I say, you’re not that great.  Sunday school can be covered if you aren’t there.  The Lord saves His people.  Your coloring sheet of Zaccheus  up  a tree can wait until next week.

You’ve successfully taken down my empire with your terrorist ways.

  I will recover.  I sip Imodium from a chilled champagne glass.  The Phenergan  suppository is finally starting to work.  I will sleep now.  Someday, the Lord will lead me to forgive you.

Sorry, there was no scripture reference for this one.

May your floors be sticky and your calling ordained.  Love, Jami

About jamiamerine

I am a wife, mom, & seeker of joy! I love to share funny and inspirational tales with my fellow moms. I fully believe that God intended laughter to be a form of rest and worship. I have a few kids. I have a few years on me. I have a great husband. And I love to laugh. I studied home economics in college, I can cook just about anything, but do not ask me to sew. In my graduate work I studied education and human development, I consider my life continuing education, my children are my ongoing thesis. If they survive that, I will let you know! I write non-fiction for laughter, respite, and inspiration. I also am in the process of submitting my first fiction mystery and have two more in the works! Mom life is hard work. My prayer for my readers is that, even if it you just have five minutes, you can be inspired and encouraged today. Keep it short and sweet... rest in Jesus girlfriend.
This entry was posted in #31days, funny, motherhood and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

60 Responses to 31 Days of Stuff I Wish You’d Stop Saying; Day 8 “We’ve been up all night vomiting…”

  1. Teresa says:

    Oh my sides are aching from laughter at your gifted words! It’s a rare to find humor to share out of a horrible stomach bug. God bless you and your precious family💕

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Moriah says:

    2 Timothy 2:3 “Share in suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus.”

    I dont think that is what Paul had in mind when it comes to the stomach bug….

    Liked by 2 people

  3. dianne101268 says:

    As a mom of five kids I can relate. The stomach bug sometimes can go around twice at my house and take weeks to get over. I am scarred for life because I have a daughter that was 14 before she could figure out that she was going to throw up. You haven’t lived until you’ve washed all four bathroom walls at 3am.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. apstroup says:

    So funny and so very true!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. scarlettagg says:

    Thank God I have found you, I needed someone who understands my panic attacks, you describe it perfectly !…….I hold another not so secret anxiety close, with dare I say, a worse reaction…..the word “Lice” the whole neighborhood knows when I have heard the dreaded word….because every pillow we own and several book bags( sheets to, just in case) are in the trash pile out front. My husband pushed the couch and mattresses back in…he said I was being a tad extreme…..WHAT??? NO! and for the record my kids have never experienced it so I must be doing something right, right?

    Liked by 1 person

    • jamiamerine says:

      I haven’t had to do lice yet… That’ll be the end of me. When started foster care they told us to keep lice shampoo on hand. I blacked out after that part of the training.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Sarah says:

        AHH! Scarlettagg and Jamiamerine, these issues (both the lice AND the stomach bug) are my worst fears and I have to daily give those to God. My family (even my mother) makes fun of me because I’m the excessive hand-washing queen.

        This is what I do have to say about both the lice and stomach bugs: they make me cling to God while in the midst of those unfortunate events (we have three kids, we’ve been through lice and of course, stomach bugs.)
        I’m grateful to see this blog post. I’m VERY grateful to know I’m not the only one who fears these to the point of purposely missing out on joyful activities. Germaphobe, paranoid mothers, UNITE!
        Because of FB, I know when a fellow church member’s kid was sick yesterday…therefore I may reconsider putting my own kid in Sunday school tomorrow. Instead of “letting go, letting God”….I admit I’ll cancel church altogether tomorrow because of it. Sad.
        Thanks for opening up, Jami!!

        Liked by 1 person

    • Ren says:

      Bed bugs. I’ll take lice any day over those. We discovered that our neighbors (and our little house is smack in the middle of a city block so, they’re *close*) had bed bugs this past Spring . . . and they still have them. . . and because I went into code red, *Thou shalt not come into our yard* on the neighborhood kids, we’re the only home on the street w/children that doesn’t have them too. I felt a smidge of guilt over banning access to our sweet little rectangular patch of heaven, but my desire to NOT deal with bed bugs was overwhelmingly the winner.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Sadie says:

    “We have other children. Survival of the fittest.” Bahahahahaha!

    Liked by 5 people

  7. kaitbailey says:

    This is hysterical! Thanks for the laugh, dropping by from Write 31 Days 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Pingback: Blissful Saturday to You! Day 10 of the 31 Day Challenge | sacredgroundstickyfloors

  9. Melanie says:

    Congrats on your repost! This is hilarious. I feel the same way still and my kids are all grown up. If you have the stomach bug STAY AWAY!

    Like

  10. My husband is a pastor and this happens to him ALL. THE. TIME. Usually after a big hug ormhandshake. WHAT EVEN?

    Like

  11. wendy says:

    As someone who had hyperemesis gravidarum (servere nausea and vomiting) for half of my daughters pregnancy and all of my Sons: I totally agree with your vomiting phobia. People think I’m joking when I say ‘I’ve vomited enough for one lifetime, thanks’ but I’m not!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. chautona says:

    A woman after my own heart. Seriously. I have been known, at the first sound of illness (that’s all it takes for me) to go get a hotel room before I succumb. Because I don’t even need to be exposed to the germs. Just the knowledge of what is happening in the bathroom is enough to make me scramble for a bowl.

    Like

  13. Jennifer says:

    I have 10 kids and couldn’t agree with you more!

    Like

  14. Ren says:

    I’m there with ya’ sistah. . . every word ❤

    Like

  15. Craig C says:

    Leviticus 13:46 – As long as they have the disease they remain unclean. They must live alone; they must live outside the camp.

    This is exactly what Moses was talking about.

    Liked by 3 people

  16. bjmoo says:

    This past Feb I went from the 1st of Feb to the 1st of March without a 72 hour span where someone wasn’t vomiting. I nearly went postal on. U sons kindergarten class where I didn’t find out until two weeks into it that there was Norovirus going around. And try to contain norovirus with a 2 year old who vomits at will where she stands or sleeps. I was to the point of slaughtering a lamb for repentance and wondering who had my family in vudo dolls. It took nothing short of completely boxing up every toy we owned and quarentining it velveteen rabbit style, bleaching every surface from my height down and blasting ozone gas for several hours to finally break the curse! I can’t say enough Amens to this sentiment. Amen amen amen!!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  17. OH MY WORD. I cannot tell you how many times my mother heard those fateful words, and promptly dragged all 9 of us kids from whatever church event we were attending. This…this is real.

    Like

  18. Pingback: 31 Days of Stuff I Wish You’d Stop Saying; Day 8 “We’ve been up all night vomiting…” | The Transparency Project

  19. You are my new sister friend! I am always on DefCon 6 alert this time of year… DO NOT bring those barf bugs near this family.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Sara22 says:

    Wow, glad to know I’m not the only mama that feels this way! I want to smack people that put on fb that they or their kid is sick Saturday night, but then you see them at church on Sunday. What?! Let’s just spread the germs to everyone. My family of six had 4 stomach bugs in 6 months last year. We basically stay quarantined until everyone has had it or it has been two weeks, lol! They were all started by my then 2 year old son. I’m praying that he is growing out of the must stick everything in my mouth phase and the next one doesn’t enter it. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Nonnie says:

    I endured students whom parents ignored when the child was sick the night before, but “they seemed okay” to send to school. In recent years, due to fear of Aids and Hepatitis C, rules for cleaning up vomit required a person trained for dealing with such a thing- not me. So I sprinkled the powder meant to contain and lessen the smell from the stomach contents on the floor, called the office (thank God for an intercom) and sent said vomiter to the office with another student. That is one thing I do NOT miss about being retired!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. orwhateveryoudo says:

    This mom of 7 now officially loves you. Sing it, sister! You say it so much nicer than me. I don’t want to be around anyone that’s puked in the last WEEK, because that’s how long you can be contagious for even after your quit throwing up. Not for voluntary events. Nope. Nope. Nope. Get away.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Molly says:

    I am so with you on this! I have 9 children and the stomach bug does us in. I am a confrontational person. I wouldn’t hit but I would have said something for sure. I don’t think people understand that things that are doable with 4 is miserable for a family of 11. All that laundry! And bunk beds! Bunk beds!

    Liked by 2 people

  24. Frances says:

    ROFL!!! I feel your pain! For years and years we used to get it twice a year, minimum. My mother reminded me, that before I was married, I had an amazing recovery from food poisoning by mixing apple cider vinegar (as strong as I could take it) with water and downing it. The next time someone “got sick” I added apple cider vinegar to my regular water glass and I was the only one in the house that didn’t get it. My dh caught it. He hardly ever caught it. I always caught it. I have not caught it since and I have been exposed many, many times. I have kids that would rather toss their cookies then drink any vinegar. Even with honey mixed in! (Mom, eye roll ಠ_ಠ ) They are older now and can take care of themselves. I prefer raw apple cider vinegar though any edible vinegar seems to work. An adult son who was looking forward to a visit, felt it coming on. He was unable to get apple cider vinegar so he took a couple big swigs of straight balsamic. Said it was nasty but he felt better inside 30 mins. I poisoned myself on some salad dressing that had been left out in hot weather too long. Thought I was going to die. My dh made it strong and warm as instructed and I gulped it down. Twenty minutes later I was drifting off into a peaceful night’s sleep, thanking God for vinegar and dh. It will not work for viruses like part two of Swine Flu. Most stomach bugs are bacteria similar to food poisoning but passed person to person. One must start as soon as they feel symptoms or as a precaution. Don’t wait to see if it is real.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. canditrusler says:

    It’s like you read my mind. Hilarious! I was literally laughing out loud. I’ve gotta show this to my husband so he knows I’m not the only one like this haha!! :):)

    Liked by 1 person

  26. WL827 says:

    Ha – great post. I go into panic mode as well when someone mentions their kid was sick. I also use alcohol hand wipes and require hand-washing for everyone upon entering the house from somewhere else. (It sounds extreme but once you get used to it, it’s an easy routine to come in and wash your hands before doing anything else.) Some more great info about prevention & spread is found at stopthestomachflu.com … written by another woman after your own heart!!

    You mentioned airborne pathogens, but stomach virus is not necessarily airborne (thankfully!) 😉 It definitely can be spread by someone cooking and serving food to others, though. (potluck!!) The virus particles are in vomit & stool… try not to think about that one too hard. AND It is possible to spread the virus AT LEAST 3 DAYS after symptoms are GONE, possibly up to a week or two after. (via .. ahem.. bathroom hygiene or lack thereof). That’s why those who seem “all better” can use the restroom, not wash their hands properly, and BAM.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Zofran really should be an over the counter medicine. The drug companies would make billions of dollars and moms everywhere would celebrate the ability to stop puking in its tracks. Everyone would win in that scenario.

    Liked by 1 person

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