Day 16: My baby is dead, please don’t say…

Guest Blog by Shelly D. Templin  
Words of wisdom from a grieving mother? Um, when you are a grieving mother, wisdom seems elusive.  You aren’t really concerned about being wise.  You are just trying to breathe through the pain.

And then someone says something that makes you want to stop breathing.

Almost twenty years ago, I sat at my son’s graveside.  His much too small grave with the casket that looked more like a bassinet than a coffin.
And I tried to breathe.

Then you spoke.

And you said, “You’ll see him again in heaven.”

And I said, “I know that.  To the very core of my soul, I know that. It is what gives me hope. BUT, what if I took your child from you right now and told you that you could see him again when you died, would that be okay with you?  Would you be able to just shrug your shoulders and say, ‘Alrighty then. That’s fine with me?  I don’t need to hold my child or watch my child grow into an adult.  I’ll just see him in heaven someday.’”

No, I don’t think you would be okay with that.  I think you would want to be with your child right now.

Please don’t say that to me.  Waiting a lifetime so see my son isn’t enough to hold deep, deep grief at bay. It doesn’t take away the pain.  It eases the pain, but it doesn’t remove the pain.  I already know I will see him in heaven. But I want to have him here. With me.  On earth.

Trying to ease my grief, you spoke again.

“Aw, your child is an angel in heaven now.”

No, my child is not an angel in heaven.  Please don’t tell me that my child is an angel.  I know we often think of cherub babies floating around on clouds but that is not a biblical depiction of angels in heavens.

People don’t go to heaven and get wings. The Bible actually says that we will be above the angels. We are separate beings.  Angels are angels and we are not. Ever.

One of the functions of angels is to do battle with the demons.

So, no, my son is not a sword wielding angel fighting demons.  My son is throwing a football with his grandfather or fishing with my grandfather.  Or maybe he is hanging out with Jesus in the front yard of his mansion. Or kneeling at the throne of the Most High God.

That picture gives me comfort.

What can you say to me?

Just say, “I’m sorry. I cannot imagine your grief.”

That’s it.  Just say you’re sorry. Because, you cannot imagine my grief.

I am grateful for the assurance that I will be reunited with my son in heaven.  I am grateful for a God that comforts us in the dark, hurting places. I am grateful for the Lord’s peace and hope and joy.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace

as you trust in Him so that you may overflow

 with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

                                                            Romans 15:13

 

Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me

 all the days of my life and

I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23:6

Guest Blogger Shelly Templin .  I am humbled and heartbroken by these words.  I dreamt of a 12th man tossing a ball with my Jesus.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.

About jamiamerine

I am a wife, mom, & seeker of joy! I love to share funny and inspirational tales with my fellow moms. I fully believe that God intended laughter to be a form of rest and worship. I have a few kids. I have a few years on me. I have a great husband. And I love to laugh. I studied home economics in college, I can cook just about anything, but do not ask me to sew. In my graduate work I studied education and human development, I consider my life continuing education, my children are my ongoing thesis. If they survive that, I will let you know! I write non-fiction for laughter, respite, and inspiration. I also am in the process of submitting my first fiction mystery and have two more in the works! Mom life is hard work. My prayer for my readers is that, even if it you just have five minutes, you can be inspired and encouraged today. Keep it short and sweet... rest in Jesus girlfriend.
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21 Responses to Day 16: My baby is dead, please don’t say…

  1. Teresa says:

    I’m so very sorry for your family’s loss of baby Lucy.
    I was present years ago when my best friend’s baby was stillborn. I still consider that sad loss as the worst thing that has ever happened to me, so I truly cannot imagine a mother’s pain enduring this kind of tragic loss. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for easing our family’s different kind of loss with your amazing selfless love💕

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dea Dea Hulett says:

    Mimi Victoria Ice

    Let’s also believe in the goodness of intentions in these terrifically painful circumstances!

    Like

  3. Ashley says:

    In many general assembly mom groups, i hear this phrase: ‘at the end of the day, if your kids are still alive, you’ve done a great job!’ As a mom of a baby who passed away because of SIDS and had a miscarriage, please dont say that. I am an amazing mom who loves the two kids that live in my home, and the two that live with Jesus. You don’t know who is in your audience, and chances are, some have encountered the dreadful sorrow of not being able to keep their baby alive.
    Thank you, Jami, for this series! Beautifully written.

    Like

  4. Michelle says:

    Vivian Sue

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Lois says:

    I still grieve the loss of my baby that miscarried nearly 20 years ago.
    I’ll never forget friends telling me, “It’s for the best. Something must have
    Been wrong with the baby.” That may be true, but
    I never got to hold that child in my arms. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. scarlettagg says:

    Avigail Greer’s twin….

    Like

  7. Donna says:

    O my, Yes!!!! I hear this so often from well-meaning people and those who think after 3 years I should be “over” grieving my baby. I will not be “over” grieving my dad, my grandparents, or my baby until I am with Jesus myself!! Why is it acceptable to grieve my dad (it is now 7 years after his death), but not my baby? I will ache for my Jesse until I die. My arms will ache to hold him until my last breath.

    Yes, some people think of their babies as angels; it comforts them. I agree with you. But I keep my opinions to myself as it wouldn’t help them grieve. Choosing silence is better in lots of grief situations

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Pingback: 31 Days of Stuff I Wish You’d Quit Saying: Day 19 “Be Careful…” | sacredgroundstickyfloors

  9. Kristie says:

    Rosemarie Alexandra

    Like

  10. Kristen says:

    My best friend’s (stillborn) daughter, Hallie McKenna. Now residing with Jesus for almost 3 years. To this day I wish I could take some of her pain away and carry it myself!

    Like

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