31 Days of Stuff I Wish You’d Stop Saying: Day 23 “You Should…”

Thanks to my dear friend Kelly Balarie for guest posting for me today!  Wise and fun!  You’ll love her like I do!

POST: If I Hear Should One More Time, I Will…

By Kelly Balarie http://www.purposefulfaith.com

You should.

You should eat organic.

You should do cry-it-out method.

You should not do cry it out method.

You should be more gentle.

You should be more stern.

You should spend time with your children.

You should get quality time for yourself.

You should lose weight.

You should love yourself for who you are.

You should get right with God.

And you should really think about where you went wrong.

You should stop beating yourself down. Heck, you should just conquer the world why you are at it! Why not, you are a miracle woman. A “Hear me roar!” woman, aren’t you? Aren’t you? Aren’t you? If not, why not?

Other hidden messages from “should speakers”:

1. If you don’t fill this “should,” you may as well cover your head under the rock of “shamed” and stay there until people are extinct from the earth.

2. If you don’t respect my words, you should tell yourself to find someone else to respect you.

3. If you are dropping the ball, you are going to fall – you’ll destroy the walls of your life with permanent marker. Then, they’ll close in on you with every wrong that you simply can’t do right.

Sometimes, friends, I hate “should”. “Shoulds” are a bad friend on a bad night. They are the enemy to one who just needs a friend. They shut a mouth faster than a guilt-ridden 2-year old with his hand in the cookie jar. No one ever broke through to someone with the word, “You really should.” And, if they did, it only produced the lasting effects of guilt, which only lasts for about 1 minute.

It normally works something like this…

Impetus: You really should (fill in know-it-all response here).

Response:

1. Eye-wide-open look of “I am really dropping the ball.”

2. Internal spanking dialogue of, “Get it together. You can’t do anything right”

3. A self-shove where you try to make yourself fall into the so-called, “Promised Land”.

4. Short-lived agony through your stumbled works that don’t move you anywhere.

5. Resentment at that genie-in-a-bottle message-giver who did anything but flip your heart into the peaceful waters of self-love. I can’t help but think, when we bow to the demands of others, to quell our internal demands of poor-self dialogue; we only honor a path that leads our hopeful heart to self-defeat.

Unless, and this is a huge unless:

The words being spoken to our heart are words spoken from a heart beating from

the right place.

Not from a cold wall of judgment.

Not from fears of what our mis-directions might do.

Not from uncertainty of what an unknown future might hold.

Not in an idea that we should get what is rightfully ours.

Not from a standpoint that claims we are missing out.

Not from a perfectionistic slave-driving need for calm.

Not from a fear someone will leave.

Not from anger, meanness or badgering.

But derived from the action of love to push through a reaction of love. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. Eph. 4:15

We listen to love from others. Then, love works love.

We listen to love in ourselves. Then, love works love.

Suddenly, we move, because what we are moving into is greater than our self. It is greater than fear. It is greater than pain. It is greater than our efforts. For it is derived from a source that can go far greater than our inch-worm comprehension of movement. Love propels the loveless to live liberated. It propels the trapped to walk out of open cages. It rips off the Band-Aid of bad and puts on the ointment of relief.

Just as I posted in “Love Wins Over Impossibility,” http://purposefulfaith.com/love-wins/  love will win-out every. Single. Time. If you let it. If you let it’s power work out from you. If you let it tackle the barriers before you. Give it a chance. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 Jo. 4:18

So, at the end of the day, when you tell me should, I am going to ask myself, “Lord, is this based from what you could do in love or what others think I should do out of their fears?” I will be open to the wise, the caring and the loving –and simply let love be my guide. Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety. Prov. 11:14

Get Kelly’s blog posts via email – click here

Kelly Balarie is a cheerleader for the downtrodden, doubtful and defeated (because she so often is herself!). If you want unfiltered and uncensored truth, with a dash of reality life-confessions, then you will love Purposeful http://www.purposefulfaith.comFaith . Kelly will encourage your heart to unseenheights as she lets you see her life through the X-ray machine of “real”. At the same time, almost every time, she will send you away feeling encouraged. Join her on

Twitter http://www.twitter.com/kellybalarie and Facebook http://www.facebook.com/purposefulfaith

About jamiamerine

I am a wife, mom, & seeker of joy! I love to share funny and inspirational tales with my fellow moms. I fully believe that God intended laughter to be a form of rest and worship. I have a few kids. I have a few years on me. I have a great husband. And I love to laugh. I studied home economics in college, I can cook just about anything, but do not ask me to sew. In my graduate work I studied education and human development, I consider my life continuing education, my children are my ongoing thesis. If they survive that, I will let you know! I write non-fiction for laughter, respite, and inspiration. I also am in the process of submitting my first fiction mystery and have two more in the works! Mom life is hard work. My prayer for my readers is that, even if it you just have five minutes, you can be inspired and encouraged today. Keep it short and sweet... rest in Jesus girlfriend.
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10 Responses to 31 Days of Stuff I Wish You’d Stop Saying: Day 23 “You Should…”

  1. Ren says:

    Aww, I’m a HUGE fan of “should”, I’m also a huge fan of people feeling guilt and shame when they “should”, because guilt and shame, in their proper place, work repentence and humility, and also growth. We can not remove guilt from the human process. It is not a dirty word. However, guilt and shame is only one response one *could* have to “should”.
    Also, I don’t feel any responsibility for people having faulty self-talk, I have no control over whether or not someone is mature and/or has been taught how to think correctly, or how to keep emotions at bay while they let reason dominate, and I refuse to treat grown-ups like a bunch children. I (and I know this is just crazy) come to a discussion with a grown-up and assume they have, in deed, grown up. And, my calling certainly has nothing to do with making sure people feel self-love as the goal of what I say. God love is the goal, and to get to that, sometimes people need to go through the waters of guilt first.
    The either/or of “God’s outworking of love” or “fear” is your faulty self talk, when it really “should” be: “Does this information have any validity? Should I concider it? Do I need to change? I don’t like the tone, but is there a good point here? God help me to know if this is wisdom.”
    Because, not everytime you feel it’s coming from a place of an unloving motive (which is actually something you can’t judge in others), is it invalid.
    Because coming from a “place of love” is a two way street. When the listener is filled with love, they will listen and try to hear the heart beat of why someone else would write or say a “should”.
    MAYBE what you interpret as “a place of judgement” is really a place of loving frustration with the evil all around and/or willful ignorance, a love of righteousness.
    Maybe what you interpret as “an uncertainty of what an unknown future might hold” is really someone using the gift of discernment and prophecy (not, in that we make new prophesies outside of the Bible, but that God has given some an uncanny ability to understand what the end of a path is).
    Maybe what you interpret as “anger- meanness or badgering” is the person speaking out of who they are- their personality- not a heart of meanness.
    Because we all “should” be grown up enough to critically think about what we’re hearing instead of rejecting it out-right if it doesn’t make us feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. What you’re advocating here is akin to sticking your fingers in your ears and going, “la, la, la, la, la, that sounds like fear and not love so, I won’t listen”, which runs counter to our calling to be patient with one another.
    See, to me, this is another, “Wahhh, I don’t feel loved by you, so you’re the problem, and you “should” change how you say things so that I feel loved” type post that makes me want to run and hide in the woods until the Lord’s return, because I can’t stand what a bunch of overly sensative, entitled whiney babies the church has become. We sound just like the world: “make me *feel* loved, or I won’t listen to you.
    When I was in Bible school, I remember the instructor talking about the reformation, how that Luther and Calvin, in hammering out their differeneces, used some pretty strong wording and took some hard lines against one another, and yet managed to still be part of the body of Christ. The example of those who have come before, lets me know that the church needs to pony up a bit. Unless I’m slandering, calling people mean names or engaging in defimation of character, a stern, “you should” backed up with a whole of good reasoning as to why, “should” be something grown ups can handle.

    Epic fail on this one.

    BUT, you “should” keep writing, cause even though I think this post is garbage, you’re hilarious and a fabulous writer! Looking forward to your next post while I happily throw this one in the dumpster bin of my mind 😉

    Like

  2. Pingback: 31 Days of Stuff I Wish You’d Quit Saying: Day 25 Don’t Get Your Feathers in a Tissy… | sacredgroundstickyfloors

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